In an attempt to return to see my family for Christmas I became a travel cliche, a traveling nightmare. Here’s how I did it:
The Departure
The plan: Portland to San Francisco to Santa Barbara to the couch where I planned on eating Christmas cookies.
What happened: My original flight out of PDX was delayed so I asked a ticket agent if I could get an earlier flight. “No problem,” she said. The earlier flight was also delayed and I had the option of flying standby on an even earlier flight. My name was announced over the speaker and I joyfully boarded the earlier flight, however, it did not go directly to San Francisco. The plan was making a stop in Redmond, OR first (for several hours I would think I was in Redmond, WA). I didn’t know about this stop until the stewardess told me. Redmond was a peaceful snow covered town that could only mean trouble to a weary traveler. After landing I was told that the SF portion of our journey was delayed several hours. I was allowed entrance into the airport -for a few minutes it was unclear if this was possible or not. Here I had to leave security to find a ticket agent and work out a new plan.
The plan: Redmond to Portland to San Francisco to LA (Santa Barbara was no longer an option)
What happened:I was taken off the flight to SFO which left shortly after this new plan was put into effect. Twenty minutes after that all flights out of Redmond were canceled. So there I was, in Redmond, stuck – by now I realized I was in Oregon not Washington. While we were waiting for the ticket agents to sort us a woman announced that she was renting a car and driving to Portland, her connection didn’t leave until 11pm and it was 4:30 pm. I overheard the ticket agents saying that it didn’t seem likely that anybody would be leaving Redmond the next day so I rushed over and threw my lot in with the rental car woman, Sarah. Together we rented the last available car at the airport, put on my credit card. After calling the airline’s customer service I was told that I was on a flight from PDX to LA the next morning. The airline had no record of me being in Redmond, OR- well played guys.
The drive was harrowing. At one point we became stuck in snow, the backend shimming around the road, and I had to skate across the icy road and give the vehicle a dislodging push. I shouted, “chains are for suckers.” They’re actually for smart people who plan ahead. Why didn’t I get the extra insurance? At 9, my new best friend, and the best driver I’ve ever encountered, Sarah and I arrived in Portland. I dropped her off and went back to my apartment to regroup. Not satisfied with the emotional suffering I’d endured I stopped and put my body through the physical torture of the seasonal salted pork treat of a McRib. My stomach was turning like a propeller after that and I barely slept. Sarah had the opposite problem, she made it to Chicago and fell asleep, missing her flight to Dulles. Eventually she made it.
The plan: Portland to LA
What happened: Somehow, exactly this happened. There was a tense moment where the flight was announced as oversold. I had a sinking feeling they’d call my name and throw me off the manifest. I envisioned TSA tasing me for the fit I was about to through. Fortunately some people stepped up and took the vouchers, relinquishing their seats. My parents came and picked me up a day late and several cities away. Finally I made it to the couch, after much bitching about my travel nightmare.
The Return
The plan:Santa Barbara to San Francisco to Portland
What happened: My flight out of Santa Barbara was canceled. I should have expected this. I don’t know why I was frustrated or surprised that another of my flights had been canceled. Maybe I thought I was due to win one. The ticket agent told me that I should haven’t booked through San Francisco. Knowing that if I opened my mouth I probably would have let a stream of obscenities fly or tried to gnaw his face off I kept silent. Once again I was out security to the main ticket counter where I was the last person in line, this actually worked to my advantage. By the time I got to the counter the best they could do was push me to another airline with a ticket for the next day. I was no longer their problem. What about all we’d been through together? The broken promises, my constant return, hoping that this time would be different. I meant nothing to them. Dejected, I went to the other airline to get a boarding pass, but something happened, the agent said she could get me home that night. So I said, “sure. Whatever. See what happens.” Doubting I would ever see the gray skies of Portland again.
The plan: New airline, Santa Barbara to LA to Portland.
What happened: This worked. I even met one of my neighbors who was in the same boat as me. Portland welcomed me with clear skies and 30 degree weather. At home I cranked the heat up to California temperatures and fell into a near coma, skipping the McRib.
Conclusions
Travel is slow. Fly direct whenever possible. I am also convinced that one of these airlines is run by asshats and hope to never fly it again. But they’re cheap and I’m poor, so that’s a resolution I won’t stick to. However, I made some new friends, saw central Oregon, learned the value of tire chains, after going through security five times I’m really good and shucking my boots off, and, most importantly I made it home to spend the Holidays with family and friends. Also, I have a story to tell. But seriously, 2013, I expect better.